How to Go from Passive to Assertive

Increasing your assertiveness may improve your sense of self-worth and reduce the amount of stress in your life. More assertiveness on your part can also translate into an improved ability to enjoy active, healthy relationships with the people around you. By learning how to communicate directly and with emotional honesty, you can avoid passive or aggressive interactions and become a more assertive, effective communicator.

Respect – and vocalize – your own perspective. More to the point, learn to value your perspective. If you tend to be relatively passive when interacting with others and hope to become more assertive, you need to both recognize and more frequently verbalize your needs, feelings, and opinions. The best way to do with is by reminding yourself of your specific needs and desires and actively communicating them directly and respectfully with those around you.

·         Working to increase your assertiveness will become a self-fulfilling process as soon as you begin; even the slightest increase in your assertiveness will help you convey what you’re thinking and feeling more effectively.

·         When you notice you have a need or desire that is not being met, perhaps in part because you haven't vocalized it, think about how you want the situation to be different.

·         It may help to write out the needs and desires you intend to better vocalize, or talk about them with a close friend. Practice identifying and vocalizing your needs and desires so you feel more confident about asserting yourself when it is necessary to do so.

Start increasing your assertiveness in one particular domain. It will be easier to be more assertive within one area of your life first. This does not mean you should be more assertive with those who are younger than you or in a less experienced position in your work environment. Instead, look to be more assertive with those who know you well and will likely respect your more active participation in social interactions.

·         Be specific. Choose to become more assertive in one specific place or during your interactions with one particular person. For example, you could decide to be more assertive with a friend who always tries to plan things for you without asking you first.

·         Be consistent. Make sure to practice being more assertive whenever you’re in that place or with that person. If your friend often calls you up on Friday afternoon to tell you what the two of you will be doing, then anticipate the call each week and practice what you will say.

·         As you realize you’re successfully becoming more assertive, expand the positive changes you’ve made in one area of your life into another social sphere. After being more assertive with this friend, you might start being more assertive at work, with family members, or with your significant other.

Convey confidence with your non-verbal behavior. The classic example here is maintaining eye contact. Make sure you’re making frequent, direct eye contact with the people with whom you interact, especially when speaking directly to someone. Sit or stand upright, with your body turned towards whomever has your attention.

·         Smile when you’re happy and frown when you’re angry. This alone will go a long way in helping you externalize emotional honesty.

·         Make sure your body language is relaxed. Not only does this convey confidence, it will actually give you more confidence too. In particular, make sure you’re not clenching your jaw.

·         Practice in the mirror. It may feel silly at first, but looking at how you sit or stand in the mirror will help you recognize aspects of your posture that may be read as passivity by other people.

Prepare for the fact that you may meet with some resistance. As you attempt to increase your assertiveness, understand that people’s reactions will not always happen as you expect. In fact, if people have become accustomed to you interacting with them passively, they may initially be startled or even respond negatively the first few times you express a healthy, respectful assertiveness. 

·         Accept that you will likely face some discomfort while increasing your assertiveness. However, this is a good thing! It means that you are growing and learning.

·         Remind yourself that it is within your rights to assert your needs and feelings – and that doing so will lead to better relationships in the long term.

·         If you encounter any resistance or negativity, remind yourself that you are in control of your own reactions and continue to behave respectfully and assertively.

·         Say something like “I’ve decided not to allow others to take advantage of me, and I won’t allow us to attack one another for seeing things differently.”

Prepare for the benefits of more assertive behavior too. Aside from all the benefits of reducing stress, being more assertive will help prevent the resentment that can sometimes grow within the context of passivity. Aside from offering a more healthy way to process your anger, increased assertiveness will literally help you get more of what you want out of life. Remind yourself that you deserve it.

·         Think about how your life will be better when you're able to be more assertive in certain situations, and visualize the relief from tension and other rewards your assertiveness will likely bring.

·         Write down the benefits of being more assertive that you're most looking forward to. Carry this list with you as motivation to continue respectfully vocalizing your needs and desires.