How to Deal With Sexual Frustration

Masturbate. Masturbation is often a taboo topic, surrounded by misinformation and guilt. However, masturbation is a healthy, safe, productive way of learning what gives you pleasure. Exploring your body through masturbation can help you understand what feels best for you, and can also help you communicate that to your partner(s).

·         Understand that masturbation is natural and healthy. Studies by the Kinsey Institute suggest that 90% of men and 64% of women masturbate, but these numbers probably under-report its frequency because so many people are still ashamed to admit they masturbate.

·         Many myths surround the female orgasm. One of the most common is that there is a “right” way to achieve orgasm. This is untrue. Women’s bodies respond to stimulation in different ways; some women may orgasm mainly through clitoral stimulation, while others prefer stimulation of other areas. Don’t feel guilty if something feels good for you that may not for others (or vice versa).

·         Many people choose to use sex toys when they masturbate. This is healthy and normal. If you do so, make sure to read all the instructions and use a disinfecting cleaner to keep toys clean and safe.

·         Masturbation releases endorphins, which are the body’s natural mood-boosters. They can relieve feelings of stress and anxiety, which are major culprits behind sexual frustration. Orgasm also results in the release of dopamine and oxytocin, which can help you relax and get better sleep.

·         Experiment on your own with a variety of techniques. Find a place that is comfortable and learn about how your body responds to things like touch, pressure, penetration, and physical exertion.

·         If masturbation is something you feel uncomfortable with for religious, philosophical, or personal reasons, talking to a therapist may help you to safely overcome any feelings of guilt or shame if this is a method you would like to pursue.

Avoid holding yourself to someone else's standards. Sometimes, particularly for women, sexual frustration occurs because you may think that you’re not “performing” the way you ought to. Remember that there is no "normal" amount of sex to have, or a "normal" way to experience sexual pleasure. Rejecting others’ standards for what you should be feeling can help you focus on your own pleasure and what you and your partner (if you have/want one) enjoy.

·         For example, some women may think they don’t actually have orgasms because their orgasms are more mild than what is shown in movies or pornography. Remember to focus on enjoying what you feel, rather than comparing yourself to outside ideals or standards.

·         Avoid thinking about what other people are doing. Some couples may worry that they aren’t having a “normal” amount of sex, which can cause frustration even if they enjoy what they do have. Some individuals may feel that their desires or needs aren’t “normal,” which can lead them to feeling unfulfilled because they are afraid to act on them.

·         While you should not judge yourself or your partner(s) for their desires or needs, remember that all sexual activities should be between consenting adults. Activities that harm others or violate another person’s rights aren’t acceptable. If you are concerned about your desires or needs, speak with a mental health professional.

·         Even sexual desires and practices that seem “unconventional,” such as BDSM, can be performed in a respectful, healthy way. You may find it helpful to seek instruction or guidance in how to perform these practices in an ethical manner.

Learn to accept yourself. Sexual frustration may stem from dissatisfaction with your body. It’s hard to accept sexual pleasure if you are unhappy with how you look. Feeling unworthy or unlovable can also lead you to shy away from relationships. Learning to love and accept yourself, just as you are, can be a crucial part of relieving sexual frustration.

·         According to some surveys, 91% of women in the United States are unhappy with their bodies. Women in particular are constantly bombarded with images of what their bodies “should” look like. Reject these unrealistic stereotypes and focus on finding things to love about your body, whatever it looks like.

·         Surround yourself with positive people who love and care for you. Having friends and loved ones who show their care for you and accept you on your own terms can really help you boost your own confidence.

·         Own your sexuality. Feeling guilty or conflicted over your sexuality, whether it’s your sexual desires, orientation, or anything else, can cause immense frustration. Accept that you enjoy what you enjoy. You’re attracted to whoever you’re attracted to. Don’t let anyone judge you or tell you that you should be different.

·         Take yourself out on dates. Part of learning to accept yourself is to see yourself as someone worth spending time with and doing nice things for. Take yourself out to a romantic dinner for one. Go see a romantic movie by yourself. Take a long walk on the beach. Bring a good book to the bar and buy yourself a few drinks. Remind yourself that you are valuable and desirable.

Take the focus off orgasm. Sometimes, people can become so fixated on experiencing orgasm that they see sex as a “failure” if they don’t achieve one. This can happen just as easily solo as with a partner. The exclusive focus on orgasm can turn sex from an enjoyable experience into a chore with a checklist. Learning to take the focus off of solely achieving orgasm and embracing the whole experience can help relieve sexual frustration, especially if you often have difficulty climaxing.

·         The inability to achieve orgasm after stimulation is called “anorgasmia,” and it affects many people, especially women. Sometimes this condition is caused by physical conditions, and sometimes it’s psychological. Consult your doctor about possible causes, and ask about whether mental health treatment could be appropriate.